Monday, April 16, 2007

Paul Merton monologue


Once a breath of fresh air on British TV was Paul Merton, whose hilarious monologue I stumbled across yesterday and am now posting. I really liked his surreal sketch show which was part of what I am just now identifying as a surreal sketch show movement in the early Nineties with Newman And Baddiel - In Pieces, The All New Alexei Sayle Show and Sean's Show (reportedly a rip-off of Its Garry Shandling's Show - which I never saw). Later sketch shows like Fast Show, Little Britain, Bo'Selecta and even Reeves And Mortimer I wouldn't include in this category being based on character observation (celebrities or stereotypes). The other four were all surreal expressions of the comedians' selves. My favourite of these was Newman And Baddiel where the two protagonists seemed so cool in this mutant sitcom as they talked sex, suicide and Eighties bands I'd never heard of and pushed old men down stairs. But I also loved Merton's show, observing the world from his newspaper kiosk, with the occasional dolphin dropping by for a Mars bar. Underrated. His Great Escape parody where he was the last Allied soldier left in a Nazi PoW camp was a stroke of genius too. I remember him doing exercises in the yard with eight mannequins attatched to poles on either arm, the German guards getting more suspicious... Here's the monologue. Enjoy.
"On Wednesday 14th December last at approximately 10:43 AM while patrolling along Streatham High Road I observed a motor vehicle illegally parked outside the all night Clement Atlee massage parlour. I questioned the occupant, a Mr Jack E Stewart, who said:
"Urinate off you effin love child"
Mr Stewart then apologised and offered me a yellow chocolate covered confectionery known to the uniformed branch as a Smartie. I accepted the smartie and swallowed it. A smartie which I now know contained an hallucinogenic drug.
Thirty five minutes later, while sat on an intergalactic spacecraft bound for the planet Zanussi, I observed Constable Parrish approaching me disguised as a fortnights holiday in Benidorm.
"Hello Constable Parrish !" I said through the back of my neck."And what news of my Lord Buckingham?"
To which Constable Parrish replied "Get down off that bus shelter, you stupid git."
I then ate Constable Parrish.
His notebook then exploded releasing a thousand tiny giraffe heads on little penguin bodies.
I was enticed down from said bus shelter by the lovely Marilyn Monroe, former screen starlet. We kissed, formally, until Marilyn, sweet tender Marilyn, revealed herself as Mr Brinsley Ocomo, a scrap metal dealer from Peckham.
A panda patrol car flew past and three large uniformed pandas got out.
I was charged by Chief Constable Warren with gross indecency, impersonating a Spaniard, acting the goat and eating a police Constable while in the course of his duty.
I burst into hysterical laughter which lasted five months.
And that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

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